I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
