now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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