mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
