Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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