you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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