Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
