I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
