david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
