Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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