Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
