I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
