You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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