dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
