I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
