I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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