When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
