I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
