K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
