i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Who died my cat blue again?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize