Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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