apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
