I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
