I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
