Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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