When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
