Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
