Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
