Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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