why do cheetos always look like penises
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Randomize
