I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
