I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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