you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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