He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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