Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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