I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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