You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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