also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
