All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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