i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
