Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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