The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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