I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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