You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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