When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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