Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
