Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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