Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
