I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
