so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We are all done wearing pants today
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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