I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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