Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
