If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
