Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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