Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
