so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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