Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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