I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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