the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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