we have pet lesbian snakes
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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