Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize