I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just cropdusted the office
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
is wine microwaveable?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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