naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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