Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
