and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
