I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize