Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
