tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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