It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
