I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
