the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
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