Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
