made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I have already put on my inside pants.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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