When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
