It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
