i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I want is dick and wine.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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