I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
