She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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