I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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